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January 7, 2004
i want you!
According to a quick and all-but-thorough Google search, there are three primary reasons people choose to be vegetarians. The first reason has to do with matters of health. Meat apparently has something to do with cholesterol, diabetes and obesity. The second reason is ethical concern for animals. Some people believe that the eating of animals is wrong, while others protest the treatment of animals raised for slaughter. The third reason is environmental concern. The mass quantities of animals raised for slaughter contributes to air, water and land pollution, erodes the topsoil, and increases the greenhouse effect via methane released from animal poop. (Lawless)

I propose a mass exodus from the consumption of meat. Not for the reasons stated above, but for the simple fact that plants deserve to die! Too long have we let them run rampant over this earth, growing willy-nilly to their roots’ content. Jungles and forests grow dark and dense, threatening any humans who may enter. Small, insidious plants sabotage our cities by creeping up walls and cracking our sidewalks. No longer, I say! It is time we fight back.

Our war shall begin with an assault on the fruits and vegetables. This will not be an easy task as they have been prepared for quite some time. The potato sits and spies, watching our efforts with beady eyes. The onion attacks us odiferously, often stinging to the point of tears. The kernel of corn stares up from the bowl, laughing mockingly at our puny digestive tract. But it will not have the last laugh. Let us rip the fruits and vegetables asunder and devour with extreme prejudice.

But we will not stop there. Our next wave will embark on an arduous campaign against plants normally marked as inedible. There must be something tasty in the elm, the ficas and kudzu. Perhaps, seasoned with the blood and entrails of their fruit and vegetable compatriots, a suitably delicious meal may be found. If not, let us eat them anyway. Our seasoning will be the sweet taste of victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, stop eating meat. Each animal killed is a lost ally. An ally we cannot afford to lose when our goal is nothing short of the complete subjugation and annihilation of Kingdom Plantae. We will not, we can not, stop until this goal is realized. For the good of the species. For the good of the Kingdom. For the good of the planet.
Works Cited
  • Lawless, Laura K. “Why be a Vegetarian?.” The Veggie Table: All Info About Vegetarianism. 7 January 2004.